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One year ago, i was sitting on this bench, in a teenage meeting at my church, thanking God for grace and strength to read, and for a successful completion of my 2nd year in the university. One year after, i am sitting on the same bench on the same spot in the a teenage meeting at my church, not sure how or whether to thank God for the completion, (hopefully successful), of my 2nd year...AGAIN!
DO ENJOY......
I WAS ASKED TO PROBATE.....
One year ago, i was sitting on this bench, in a teenage meeting at my church, thanking God for grace and strength to read, and for a successful completion of my 2nd year in the university. One year after, i am sitting on the same bench on the same spot in the a teenage meeting at my church, not sure how or whether to thank God for the completion, (hopefully successful), of my 2nd year...AGAIN!
It was suppose to be a very beautiful Friday evening. I was torn out of my skin with excitement, anticipating my result. I had for the first time in years honestly worked hard. Good grades were the sure reward. My uncle had taken my matriculation number with him to the office everyday for the past two days but had forgotten each time to check my grades. He was on the board of deans seating for result compilation. I was certain he wouldn't forget that day.
I over heard him ask after me. Barely through with bathing, i rushed out in anticipation to meet him. With so much eagerness in my eyes, i asked him about my result. The look on his face clearly didn’t correlate with that on my face. Something was wrong but i couldn't place what it was. Maybe a bad day at the office i presumed.
He started by asking me if there was someone else bearing the same surname as me in my class.
“Yes sir”, I replied, with so much confusion in my voice.
“Okay, maybe it’s an error”, he muttered slipping a piece of paper into my hand.
As I opened it up, I heard him say, with a voice packed with emotions I can’t describe, “You have been asked to probate your class”. In a matter of seconds, I went from scared to shock to rage. I had never experienced that amount of mixed feelings before.
“It’s not possible!”, I screamed, looking at the piece of paper to confirm what courses I had failed. “all of my second semester courses? How does that even make sense?” I asked, as though I was expecting a reply.
“Maybe it’s your photography”, he suggested. “I would break that camera”, he added.
What part of “it’s not possible” didn’t this man understand? All I needed to do at that time was punch something. The rest of the conversation quickly ended with him advising me to wait till the official result was out on the board before we make any move if need be. My world had come to a halt. Every colour was literally gone. My limbs had suddenly become weaker as I walked back to the boy’s quarters of the flat.
Friday night was usually scrabble night. There sure wasn’t going to be a scrabble night for me. I signalled my roommate out of the room from the other boys who had come for scrabble night to the side of the boy’s quarters and broke the news to him. He was more sure than I was it couldn’t be possible. I went back with him inside, picked a few things and moved into a vacant room in the main house.
The night went by very slowly and so did the days prior to the official release of the result. Those were the longest five days of my life. I had GOD IS ABLE by SMOKIE NORFUL on replay steady. It was the one song that gave me a glimpse of hope.
Early Wednesday morning the result was pasted. I got to the faculty towards noon. It was the same on the board. I returned home, informed my mother and uncle. Later that afternoon, I got a call from my course adviser to see him at his office. It was there and then at his office that reality struck me when he told me my files were being transferred to the course adviser for the new class. I tried to be strong. I really did.
Evening that day, I went to the bus stop to take a bus to basement where bible study was to hold. Seating beside me at the front of the bus was a ‘leader’ in my fellowship who so happened to be my class mate. He had been aware since i first learnt about the result. Seating next to him was the biggest mistake I made that day. Rather than give me words of encouragement, he blabbed about how ‘bad’ (awesome) his result was. How he should have gotten more B’s and A’s. With all these experiences, I stepped into service heavy at heart. The instruments were loudest that day and the praise session was longest. Or so I thought. The atmosphere was jiving. Mostly because a lot of persons had seen their result and were blown away. Except for me of cause. I couldn’t get myself to even clap. Tears drop down my face literally all through the service. I took solace in God’s word through the speaker that day that said “DRY BONES SHALL LIVE AGAIN”. I knew I wasn’t going through all that pain for nothing. God had a grand plan. He had better bring beauty from my pain.
I over heard him ask after me. Barely through with bathing, i rushed out in anticipation to meet him. With so much eagerness in my eyes, i asked him about my result. The look on his face clearly didn’t correlate with that on my face. Something was wrong but i couldn't place what it was. Maybe a bad day at the office i presumed.
He started by asking me if there was someone else bearing the same surname as me in my class.
“Yes sir”, I replied, with so much confusion in my voice.
“Okay, maybe it’s an error”, he muttered slipping a piece of paper into my hand.
As I opened it up, I heard him say, with a voice packed with emotions I can’t describe, “You have been asked to probate your class”. In a matter of seconds, I went from scared to shock to rage. I had never experienced that amount of mixed feelings before.
“It’s not possible!”, I screamed, looking at the piece of paper to confirm what courses I had failed. “all of my second semester courses? How does that even make sense?” I asked, as though I was expecting a reply.
“Maybe it’s your photography”, he suggested. “I would break that camera”, he added.
What part of “it’s not possible” didn’t this man understand? All I needed to do at that time was punch something. The rest of the conversation quickly ended with him advising me to wait till the official result was out on the board before we make any move if need be. My world had come to a halt. Every colour was literally gone. My limbs had suddenly become weaker as I walked back to the boy’s quarters of the flat.
Friday night was usually scrabble night. There sure wasn’t going to be a scrabble night for me. I signalled my roommate out of the room from the other boys who had come for scrabble night to the side of the boy’s quarters and broke the news to him. He was more sure than I was it couldn’t be possible. I went back with him inside, picked a few things and moved into a vacant room in the main house.
The night went by very slowly and so did the days prior to the official release of the result. Those were the longest five days of my life. I had GOD IS ABLE by SMOKIE NORFUL on replay steady. It was the one song that gave me a glimpse of hope.
Early Wednesday morning the result was pasted. I got to the faculty towards noon. It was the same on the board. I returned home, informed my mother and uncle. Later that afternoon, I got a call from my course adviser to see him at his office. It was there and then at his office that reality struck me when he told me my files were being transferred to the course adviser for the new class. I tried to be strong. I really did.
Evening that day, I went to the bus stop to take a bus to basement where bible study was to hold. Seating beside me at the front of the bus was a ‘leader’ in my fellowship who so happened to be my class mate. He had been aware since i first learnt about the result. Seating next to him was the biggest mistake I made that day. Rather than give me words of encouragement, he blabbed about how ‘bad’ (awesome) his result was. How he should have gotten more B’s and A’s. With all these experiences, I stepped into service heavy at heart. The instruments were loudest that day and the praise session was longest. Or so I thought. The atmosphere was jiving. Mostly because a lot of persons had seen their result and were blown away. Except for me of cause. I couldn’t get myself to even clap. Tears drop down my face literally all through the service. I took solace in God’s word through the speaker that day that said “DRY BONES SHALL LIVE AGAIN”. I knew I wasn’t going through all that pain for nothing. God had a grand plan. He had better bring beauty from my pain.
Life from that day went from bad to worse. I was going crazy. How was it possible that I of all persons had to repeat a class. Worse of, after all my hard work. I remembered coming out of a lot of my exams sure it was an A course. What then went wrong?
As the new session went by, I tried to find answers. From possibility of machine error during marking to negative marking. My trying to unravel what went wrong only got me deeper into depression. I wasn’t attending classes. I tried alcohol, smoking, pills, Music, anything to calm me down when things went south and get me through the times. I even convinced myself that maybe it was because I loved God. Maybe I was the Job of my time.
As the new session went by, I tried to find answers. From possibility of machine error during marking to negative marking. My trying to unravel what went wrong only got me deeper into depression. I wasn’t attending classes. I tried alcohol, smoking, pills, Music, anything to calm me down when things went south and get me through the times. I even convinced myself that maybe it was because I loved God. Maybe I was the Job of my time.
On one of the terrible nights, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t bear the shame. How could God turn his back on me? My lips were too busy gnashing as a result of crying. So I opened my laptop and started to typed all I wanted to say to God. These were the things I typed. Unedited:
Im trying not to hate you. But u are making it even harder for me. Why do i have to go thru so much pain and sorrow all cos of a greater good like you say. At least help me understnd. Say somthing!!!!!! Pls....i have begged, i have prayed, i have believed..yet nothing. If u hate me so much asd nt to speak to me then pls bring someone.. i jst need to offload all this pain in my heart. It too much for me. It has destroyed ,me. help me!!! Help ,me lord....i have no pone but it doesnt even seem as tho u r close.. i know they say ur close in times like this but jst give me a sign..a sign to know u r in deed close. I have no more fight in me..
I waited for that big voice to give me a reply but didn’t hear any. It made me more furious.
They say time heals all things. If I didn’t believe, now I do. All of my problems, and my walls crumbled put together didn’t change one thing - That God remains God. It took me a semester and half to realise this. To me, this was an enormous challenge. The worse thing yet that had happened to me. It was my very own typical story of when God doesn’t make sense. People go through worse. For some, that’s the point they lose it. They give into their challenges. My experiences this past one year has taught me that no matter what one may encounters in life, it can only last awhile. All one has to do is find strength to hold on because no tough time last. It’s what you make out of it that matters. Friends would surely turn their back on you. I should know. Worry not. There is that one true friend who can give you peace and hold your hand through that storm, Jesus.
My biggest testimony in all this is that I DID NOT COMPROMISE. I did not because of fear of failure the second time, cheat or talk in the exam hall. I sure have done my part yet again by studying but If I fail, I fail. My destiny is not tied to a university degree. (The blessing is not in the place but with the person)
I may not fully understand why God let me walk through this place or what he has in store for me but one thing I do know for sure is I have learnt a lot from this experience. Enough to know that a challenge is not worth shaking my faith. If you stay put, hang in there and just blindly believe God, He won’t let you down.
Remember, “Tough times don’t last but tough people do”.
WRITTEN BY:
CHUX_ANTHONY OSAKWE
Truly God doesn't give us more than we can bear. If he allows you go through it, he would give you all you need to come out of it strong, smiling and victorious. No matter what life throws your way, don't ever give up on God (or life). Never lose hope. That fact that you don't 'feel' God's presence doesnt mean He is not there. God will never forsake his children.
Dear, there's light at the end of the tunnel. KEEP KEEPING ON!
MUCH LOVE!
DO READ ---> PROCESS, PATIENCE AND PATHS
HAVE A LOVELY DECEMBER
wao so Inspiring, you almost got me thinking ti was really you.
ReplyDelete*sigh* i can relate with this post cus i have been there. Still going through my dillema tho and its not easy. I recall looking for someone who had gone through my challenge so he could coach me through and encourage me. I found none but thank God for a few friends and my pastor who gave me hope and courage to face my challenge, these people help put me straight. Glad to say im on the right track and with God's grace and focus, i shall have my success story.
ReplyDeleteNice post ma'am....coodles to chux. :)
Bravo! Bravo!! Bravo!!! Chuks Anthony Osakwe... This was quite an enlightening read. But I have to add that you should have fought it through.. You know no one ever fails all courses now, especially not someone as smart as you. Something went wrong, something worth finding out to prevent a re-occurrence.
ReplyDeleteThat being said people, I respect you all ready brother, as you see: it takes a man to stand tall in a storm, as most of us just look for a place to hide instead. You are a great young man with huge potentials, I mean I dunno you yeah, but that you thought to write your request to Papa on a PC shows that you are a brother that thinks outside the box :).. You will shake this world Anthony, trust me.
I am learning yeah, that there is often a mega blessing waiting for us at the end of immense pain, like Jesus got the throne again just after the cross. Often times we ask why and curse and hate on the only person that loves us sincerely, I did it too. But as long as we remember that Papa always has our back through it all, then that's a good reason to keep on.
P.S: Thank you Pastor Partner in crime Itimi for this awesome post :p, it was quite an enlightening read you guys.. All i can say is Bravo! Bravo!! Bravo!! May GOD make us bigger y'all. Cheers.
Thank you so much. I'm humbled.
ReplyDeleteAll credit to God.
Lol..awesome!
ReplyDelete